Marks of Manhood

I know in our society, manhood is esteemed somewhat on par with slughood or renal infection, but that is only serving to snowball the problem, and I want to offer an alternative picture. Being a man is something that popular media seem to equate with an uncontrollable sex drive, killing stuff, and a general oblivion to all things outside of myself. Our culture has defined manhood in a way that's not just unhealthy, but also actively corrosive both to men and to society as a whole. In short, we'd be a lot better off if our boys had a better way to figure out what it means to be men.

One of the best possible methods that I've ever observed functioning toward that end is mentoring: Someone who knows what it takes and has experienced the transformation, consistently walking through life with someone who hasn't. In a workshop last summer at CIY, Mark Moore outlined these 10 characteristics to mentor boys in becoming men that contrast with the picture painted on the big screen (and small screen).

Honor vs. Selfishness - This means doing what is right because that is who you are, not because it's the easiest option. It is radical obedience to a standard that places value on others, not just on me.
Respect vs. Self-Centered Myopia - This echoes Honor is placing a high value on others. Boys see what affects them and their own little world. Men see and consider the effect their actions will have on those around them and are able to make a deeper impact on the world because they do.
Gratitude vs. Entitlement - Boys are concerned with getting what they can. Men live lives filled with an attitude that is thankful regardless of circumstance.
Generosity vs. Greed - A boy will hold on to everything he gets. A man freely gives everything he has in terms of time, talent, money...
Discipline vs. Unreliability - Part of being a man is disciplining yourself to carry through when someone's counting on you. Prioritize your life in able to consistently be where you're needed when you need to be there.
Priorities vs. Mediocrity & Frivolity - How many boys do you know who are great at things that don't matter but who barely scrape by when it comes to more important aspects of life? Being a man means learning to understand what is really important and working to excel there - even at the expense of your golf game (or Halo addiction).
Humility vs. Arrogance - We need to teach our boys to view themselves through the lens of God's grace, not some crap philosophy that artificially inflates their self-esteem to a point that blinds them to their need of that grace.
Honesty vs. Deceit - Our culture is a lying, deceitful culture. From relationships to tests at school to national scandals about SATs, boys seem to think that if it'll get them what they want, then butchering the truth is no big deal. We need to mentor them to honest integrity that holds up the truth even when it's more difficult to handle the consequences.
Purity vs. Swayability - A man has learned what is right and good and will not easily be dissuaded from that path. A boy may be easily distracted by the shiny and new (or scantily clad).
Wisdom vs. Foolishness - This is an overall quality that a man possesses helping him know what to do to act and live in agreement with the nature and character of God. It's knowing and doing what's right vs. doing what will often make the situation worse.

What are you doing to help boys know what it means to be a man? What if you chose a few teens in your family or church and mentored them over the course of the next year in these 10 characteristics? Model the traits and walk through life with a couple guys who need your help. Paint a better picture for the next generation of men.
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(Just a quick disclaimer - the list of characteristics came from Moore, but the descriptions are my own embellishments and aren't meant to be technical definitions of those traits. Don't hold them against him.)

EDIT: I just found a pdf called Boys to Men on Mark Moore's site that succinctly outlines these 10 characteristics in his own words. Check it out.

Generation iY

I seem to have a perpetual stack of books that I keep hoping to get to that sits on my desk. The stack often gets interrupted by some other new entry into my reading whims, so sometimes books will sit in the stack for quite a while. Last year at Christmas time, one of the books I was wanting was Tim Elmore's Generation iY. I got the book in Decemeber, but it has sat for almost a full year, waiting...

The subtitle of the book "Our Last Chance to Save Their Future" may seem a little overdramatic, but when you think about what's really at stake for today's young people, it's not such a grandiose statement. The book does a really good job laying out a description of the Millenial generation (especially the younger half), the cultural influences that have shaped them, and what we as parents and teachers and youth leaders need to be doing to help them launch into adulthood.

It was a great reminder of the potential that lies latent in young people and the need for mentors to guide this potential into fruition. Sometimes, I can get distracted by so many secondary frustrations in my job that I forget... We have an incredible generation of young lives who are hungry for authentic direction as they emerge into adult life. They are hoping to mean something to the world around them, but too often we adults are doing a poor job helping them understand how to do so. I was reminded that a huge part of my job is to identify adult-student partnerships and construct frameworks to facilitate the unleashing of potential within those partnerships - making the most of our students' current gifts and opportunities and preparing them to launch into lives of ministry of their own.

If you work with young people or have them in your home, the insight Elmore shares from his years of experience developing young leaders is invaluable. Check out the book for yourself and get some practical strategies and ideas for parenting, mentoring, & employing Generation iY. Also check out Save Their Future Now for more.

Facial Intertia

The month is almost over, which means semi-psychotic shoppers who had way too much turkey being incredibly stupid to beat the rest of the half-crazed commerce corps to that greatest deal ever on that one gadget that will be completely unappreciated and probably forgotten by the spring thaw. (No, I'm not cynical at all, what are you talking about?) In happier news, it will also mean a merry end to all the No Shave November hoo hah.

I know most of the rest of the civilized parts of our nation have already forgotten that this was a thing, but we're more than a little trend-challenged here, so No Shave November hasn't become last week's news yet. Young guys are sporting shaggy chins with pride for another week or so, but I have to admit - I don't get it.

Is manhood really something to celebrate by letting the inertia of life just take over your face? Do we really think it means something that we can grow hair on our faces? (And if so, what does it mean when we can grow hair on our backs?) Is there some kind of statement being made in all of this? I have a suspicion, that culturally, it has something to do with guys trying to assert their manhood without having anyone to help them do so in a meaningful way. If you're a man and you know you're a man, would you do something to help a younger guy figure out how he can be one, too? Would you see, in the scratchy young faces of No Shave November, an invitation to mentor boys (even boys who can shave) as they learn the essence of manhood?

Near the beginning of the month, I quipped that guys should put down their moms' mascara and stop pretending if no one had noticed their participation in the no shave lack of activity yet. Conversely guys, if they still haven't noticed, either a) you're kidding yourself about that peach fuzz, or b) you already had the hobo look nailed before the month began. Either way, being a man doesn't have jack to do with facial hair.

What does it mean to be a man? Comment below with how you'd fill in this blank: "Being a man means ________________."

Things Can Change

Things can change... but they won't change by themselves. Let's do something...


The Mentoring Project from DTJ on Vimeo.

Great Mentoring Picture...

The Mentoring Project - Elephant Musth Cycle from The Mentoring Project on Vimeo.

Fatherless Generation

One of the toughest issues I've dealt with in my years in youth ministry is the absence of fathers for so many of my students. I grew up with my mom and dad and big hairy case of being sheltered, so I remember being pretty floored within my first few months on staff at a great small town church, when I was confronted with the fact that so many of the students I was working with didn't know their dads. Unfortunately, what was foreign to me then has become a theme today. The particular struggles that are associated with growing up without Dad around have become all too familiar.

When I heard about The Mentoring Project several months ago, I was immediately excited about what they're doing.