Since it's Valentines Day and everything, I thought we'd hit the subject of dating a little bit. I always liked the concept of the show 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter. If you don't remember it, read the title of the show again; it's pretty self-explanatory. I especially liked these rules from the show:
- You make her cry, I make you cry.
- Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health. I promise.
- If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you're definitely not picking anything up.
- If your pants are so baggy you can't keep them up, I'll help you out - with my staple gun.
As the father of two girls, I'll be developing my own set of rules, so I asked Emily to help me out with a post and write out some rules of her own. Since she's only 12, we haven't had a lot of dating discussions - it's a pretty short conversation at this point that is basically summed up by "Not yet." I didn't give her a lot of prompting for her list, but she's got a pretty good start: (I'll put her answers in italics, then add a few bonus rules of my own!)
Dad's prompt: A boy wants to date you. What are your rules for him? (Before the first date - and during any date.)
Emily's Rules: Before the first date-
- he has to be a christian
- he has to be nice to me
- he can’t try to make me jealous
- he has to be someone I like
- he can’t have a girlfriend when he asks me out
- he can’t be a “bad boy”
During any date-
- he can’t burp
- he has to be nice to me
- follow all rules from “Before the first date"
First, I just have to say I'm pretty proud of my daughter. I love that she's already expecting a guy to love Jesus and she's not interested in putting up with the immature crap that some guys pull to manipulate girls. She's demanding loyalty already and expects a guy to not be full of himself. She's setting the bar pretty high, and I have a feeling that whatever guy finally wins her heart will have had to earn it.
Just to thin the field a little further, I've kicked around a few possibilities of my own:
- If your GPA can be counted on less than 3 fingers, go do your homework first and try again after the next grade check.
- If your parents gave you a car for your 16th birthday that's nicer than what I have, you're already suspect. If you've already wrecked it being stupid and they replaced it with another, I might let you go for a walk together.
- If you can't say the word marriage without breaking out into hives, get some ointment, figure out what you're going to do with your life, then ask again.
- If your mom has to drive you on your date, I'll probably laugh a little, but you can take my daughter out.
- If you're rude to your mom, learn some respect for the woman who brought you into this world, then we'll talk.
- If you're rude to my daughter's mother... just run, boy, run - I won't be able to hold her back for long!
Obviously, since Emily's 12, some of these rules will only be phased in over the next several years. And just so no grandma's are harmed during the reading of this post - this is all still very hypothetical. There's no point dating until you can get married and there's no possibility of that for at least another year and a half!
Showing posts with label 12 in '12. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 12 in '12. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
12 in '12 Tuesday
12 in '12 is a series of posts talking about life in youth ministry with a 12 year old in the family this year.
-------
This weekend, Emily got to go to her first Winter White Wash. It's a ski retreat we take our Middle School and High School students to each year. This year, we skied at Snowy Range just outside Laramie, and had the main sessions at the new building of White Water Christian Church. (It's awesome to see this new church continue to develop.) Emily wasn't a huge fan of the whole skiing thing, but had fun the rest of the time. I'm tearing her away from the Republican debate to answer a few questions for you. Just for clarity's sake, my comments/questions are italicized and Emily's answers are in bold. (Like you wouldn't have figured that out!)
What was the best part of the weekend?
Pretty much the entire weekend was fun. NOT skiing though. I got ran over by a guy on a snowboard. It hurt. Very bad. [At least the kid felt guilty about it - I think he may have been crying as bad as you were.]
What was it like being the only 6th Grader in our group? Terrible I bet, no one to talk to at all, right?
Actually, it wasn't that bad. Most of the time I hung out with the high school girls. And some 6TH GRADE friends from Bayard. [...and Laramie, and some tiny place with no name, and some kid from Rapid, and... I told you not to worry about it.]
How was the van ride? I heard your driver was pretty awesome.
The van ride was fun. Except when we got caught in a blizzard (Not the DQ kind) and couldn't see anything. Except white. It was scary. And by the way, the driver wasn't that awesome. (It was you, Dad!) [I know! And I thought it was pretty good driving for not being able to see ANYTHING.]
How was it being the daughter of the youth pastor? Any specific challenges to being my kid? Or benefits?
It's OK being the daughter of the youth pastor. Not really any challenges. There are benefits though. Like you paid for my lunch even though I had my own money. And I know all the songs on your iTunes list and I can bug you until you play Lecrae. [It doesn't really take a whole lot of bugging to get me to play Lecrae. He's awesome. I'm sure there will be some challenges sooner or later - but I'm sure you'll be up for them, too. Oh, and you owe me a lunch!]
Any advice for other youth ministers who are taking their kids on trips with their youth groups?
The only advice I have is: Don't embarrass them or they'll just embarrass you right back. And trust me, you don't want to be embarrassed by a Jr. High or High School kid. [Is that a threat? Alright, go to bed young lady, right now.]
-------
This weekend, Emily got to go to her first Winter White Wash. It's a ski retreat we take our Middle School and High School students to each year. This year, we skied at Snowy Range just outside Laramie, and had the main sessions at the new building of White Water Christian Church. (It's awesome to see this new church continue to develop.) Emily wasn't a huge fan of the whole skiing thing, but had fun the rest of the time. I'm tearing her away from the Republican debate to answer a few questions for you. Just for clarity's sake, my comments/questions are italicized and Emily's answers are in bold. (Like you wouldn't have figured that out!)
What was the best part of the weekend?
Pretty much the entire weekend was fun. NOT skiing though. I got ran over by a guy on a snowboard. It hurt. Very bad. [At least the kid felt guilty about it - I think he may have been crying as bad as you were.]
What was it like being the only 6th Grader in our group? Terrible I bet, no one to talk to at all, right?
Actually, it wasn't that bad. Most of the time I hung out with the high school girls. And some 6TH GRADE friends from Bayard. [...and Laramie, and some tiny place with no name, and some kid from Rapid, and... I told you not to worry about it.]
How was the van ride? I heard your driver was pretty awesome.
The van ride was fun. Except when we got caught in a blizzard (Not the DQ kind) and couldn't see anything. Except white. It was scary. And by the way, the driver wasn't that awesome. (It was you, Dad!) [I know! And I thought it was pretty good driving for not being able to see ANYTHING.]
How was it being the daughter of the youth pastor? Any specific challenges to being my kid? Or benefits?
It's OK being the daughter of the youth pastor. Not really any challenges. There are benefits though. Like you paid for my lunch even though I had my own money. And I know all the songs on your iTunes list and I can bug you until you play Lecrae. [It doesn't really take a whole lot of bugging to get me to play Lecrae. He's awesome. I'm sure there will be some challenges sooner or later - but I'm sure you'll be up for them, too. Oh, and you owe me a lunch!]
Any advice for other youth ministers who are taking their kids on trips with their youth groups?
The only advice I have is: Don't embarrass them or they'll just embarrass you right back. And trust me, you don't want to be embarrassed by a Jr. High or High School kid. [Is that a threat? Alright, go to bed young lady, right now.]
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
12 in '12 Tuesday - Launching
12 in '12 is a series of posts talking about life in youth ministry with a 12 year old in the family this year.
Our twelve year old, Emily, has entered Middle School, which puts her into the youth category as far as our church's ministry is structured. Actually, we are pretty flexible with our 6th graders, and most of them have some involvement in both the youth ministry and children's ministry. As a first born, Emily's always thought of herself as a few years older than reality says she is, so she's been eager to get to be a part of the student group that I oversee.
As her father, I probably see her a couple years younger than reality says she is! This can cause some tension as she strains to exercise a growing amount of independence, so I'm trying to think of this in rubber band terms. She's stretching out, I'm holding on, and when I let go, she's going to fly. My job, as both a youth pastor and a dad, is to make sure that flight is a healthy one in a couple ways:
1. She needs to land where God's intended her to go. Right now, as I hold on, I can still assert some influence. I can still "aim" her in the right direction. Once the launch sequence has reached its end and the tension is released to be kinetic - her flight path is largely decided. I need to make sure she's learning how to handle the tools she'll need to make course corrections on her own. Mostly, that means asking the question, "Does she know how to recognize God's voice and is she willing to do what He says?" and doing everything I can to make sure the answer is "Yes."
2. I need to also make sure the tension created as she's pulling away isn't so great that the rubber band snaps. I see so many parents hold on so tightly that when launch day comes, the excitement fizzles quickly and their kids are shackled by the doubts and fears their parents have unwittingly planted by refusing to let them make any choices of their own. Sadly, these flights look more like a balloon with all the air let out, often ending up in a stretched out shell of what could have been, lying around on the basement floor.
So how is a parent (or youth pastor) supposed to manage this tension? Here are a few critical questions to help:
Our twelve year old, Emily, has entered Middle School, which puts her into the youth category as far as our church's ministry is structured. Actually, we are pretty flexible with our 6th graders, and most of them have some involvement in both the youth ministry and children's ministry. As a first born, Emily's always thought of herself as a few years older than reality says she is, so she's been eager to get to be a part of the student group that I oversee.
As her father, I probably see her a couple years younger than reality says she is! This can cause some tension as she strains to exercise a growing amount of independence, so I'm trying to think of this in rubber band terms. She's stretching out, I'm holding on, and when I let go, she's going to fly. My job, as both a youth pastor and a dad, is to make sure that flight is a healthy one in a couple ways:
1. She needs to land where God's intended her to go. Right now, as I hold on, I can still assert some influence. I can still "aim" her in the right direction. Once the launch sequence has reached its end and the tension is released to be kinetic - her flight path is largely decided. I need to make sure she's learning how to handle the tools she'll need to make course corrections on her own. Mostly, that means asking the question, "Does she know how to recognize God's voice and is she willing to do what He says?" and doing everything I can to make sure the answer is "Yes."
2. I need to also make sure the tension created as she's pulling away isn't so great that the rubber band snaps. I see so many parents hold on so tightly that when launch day comes, the excitement fizzles quickly and their kids are shackled by the doubts and fears their parents have unwittingly planted by refusing to let them make any choices of their own. Sadly, these flights look more like a balloon with all the air let out, often ending up in a stretched out shell of what could have been, lying around on the basement floor.
So how is a parent (or youth pastor) supposed to manage this tension? Here are a few critical questions to help:
- Am I helping my kids understand God's Word? If they can't recognize His voice there, they're not likely to recognize it in their day to day living either.
- Can they see that I am following? If I'm telling my kids to listen and follow, they need to be able to tell that I'm doing what I'm doing because it's what God wants done. (i.e. I didn't stop and help the guy that was stuck just because I'm such a nice guy - but because God wanted him to be helped and I was there.)
- Have I established clear boundaries within which my kids feel confident in making decisions? My 5 year old wants to go ride her bike. She may ride as she pleases, as long as she stays in the driveway. My 12 year old's bike ride boundaries have extended far beyond the driveway, along with her capacity to make good decisions about where to go and where to not go. Most kids don't misbehave because they're bad - it's because they don't know where the boundaries are. Clear boundaries early in life really help kids later on.
- Do I realize whose kids these really are? This may be the toughest question of all. Last night we caught a couple minutes of The Bachelor waiting for the next show to come on. (Horrible show, by the way - why would anyone think that situation would work out to be anything other than the emotional train wreck that it is? I digress...) Emily was sitting next to me on the couch and I found myself getting defensive on her behalf. "If you ever let a guy treat you the way he's treating those girls, I will hunt him down..." actually came out of my mouth. But as much as I love and want to protect my kids, someone else's image is stamped much deeper in their lives than mine is. Our Father has a capacity to love and protect His own far greater than mine will ever be. We need to trust God with His kids.
How else have you seen parents preparing their kids for launch?
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
12 in '12 Tuesdays
A little more than 12 years ago, I was six months into my first ministry. I was ready to give a report at my first annual meeting, when a little interruption came into the picture and shifted pretty much everything in my life. Suddenly, a meeting that seemed to be a high stakes, high pressure affair was put into a completely different light. I gave a report that night about where I wanted to take our student ministry over the next couple years, sharing my vision for a church that was touching the lives of students in ways we had only dreamed of until then. I did my best to make it through the meeting, but the interruption was already casting her own hue on what I said - It was pink, and it didn't put much stock in Robert's rules.
For the past 12 years, my life (and ministry) has been tinted with various shades of pink as I've sought to be Emily's dad while doing the best job I can as a youth pastor. With Emily being 12 for most of 2012, I thought I'd do an ongoing series on what it's like fathering a 12 year old girl as I lead students who are now her peers to be the church He's calling them to be. I've already asked for her help, and I'll have her do a few guest posts throughout the year. (When I asked for her help on my blog, she just grinned and tried to negotiate a deal to get her own blog; I'm sure you'll enjoy what she has to say.)
Be watching for the 12 in '12 posts on Tuesdays this year. I'll be sharing what I learn about parenting a 12 year old (who thinks she's 22), being a youth minister with your own kids in the student ministry, and letting Emily give her perspective on growing up with a middle aged dad who likes to hang out with her friends as well. Anything you want to ask along those lines? Throw out your questions in the comments section and they'll become the fodder for Em & I to knock around in the coming weeks' posts.
For the past 12 years, my life (and ministry) has been tinted with various shades of pink as I've sought to be Emily's dad while doing the best job I can as a youth pastor. With Emily being 12 for most of 2012, I thought I'd do an ongoing series on what it's like fathering a 12 year old girl as I lead students who are now her peers to be the church He's calling them to be. I've already asked for her help, and I'll have her do a few guest posts throughout the year. (When I asked for her help on my blog, she just grinned and tried to negotiate a deal to get her own blog; I'm sure you'll enjoy what she has to say.)
Be watching for the 12 in '12 posts on Tuesdays this year. I'll be sharing what I learn about parenting a 12 year old (who thinks she's 22), being a youth minister with your own kids in the student ministry, and letting Emily give her perspective on growing up with a middle aged dad who likes to hang out with her friends as well. Anything you want to ask along those lines? Throw out your questions in the comments section and they'll become the fodder for Em & I to knock around in the coming weeks' posts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)