12 in '12 Tuesday: Not So Simple Rules

Since it's Valentines Day and everything, I thought we'd hit the subject of dating a little bit. I always liked the concept of the show 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter. If you don't remember it, read the title of the show again; it's pretty self-explanatory. I especially liked these rules from the show:
- You make her cry, I make you cry. 
- Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health. I promise.
- If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you're definitely not picking anything up.
- If your pants are so baggy you can't keep them up, I'll help you out - with my staple gun.

As the father of two girls,  I'll be developing my own set of rules, so I asked Emily to help me out with a post and write out some rules of her own. Since she's only 12, we haven't had a lot of dating discussions - it's a pretty short conversation at this point that is basically summed up by "Not yet." I didn't give her a lot of prompting for her list, but she's got a pretty good start: (I'll put her answers in italics, then add a few bonus rules of my own!)


Dad's prompt: A boy wants to date you. What are your rules for him? (Before the first date - and during any date.)

Emily's Rules: Before the first date-
- he has to be a christian
- he has to be nice to me
- he can’t try to make me jealous
- he has to be someone I like
- he can’t have a girlfriend when he asks me out
- he can’t be a “bad boy”

During any date-
- he can’t burp
- he has to be nice to me
- follow all rules from “Before the first date"


First, I just have to say I'm pretty proud of my daughter. I love that she's already expecting a guy to love Jesus and she's not interested in putting up with the immature crap that some guys pull to manipulate girls. She's demanding loyalty already and expects a guy to not be full of himself. She's setting the bar pretty high, and I have a feeling that whatever guy finally wins her heart will have had to earn it.

Just to thin the field a little further, I've kicked around a few possibilities of my own:
  - If your GPA can be counted on less than 3 fingers, go do your homework first and try again after the next grade check.
  - If your parents gave you a car for your 16th birthday that's nicer than what I have, you're already suspect. If you've already wrecked it being stupid and they replaced it with another, I might let you go for a walk together.
  - If you can't say the word marriage without breaking out into hives, get some ointment, figure out what you're going to do with your life, then ask again.
  - If your mom has to drive you on your date, I'll probably laugh a little, but you can take my daughter out.
  - If you're rude to your mom, learn some respect for the woman who brought you into this world, then we'll talk.
  - If you're rude to my daughter's mother... just run, boy, run - I won't be able to hold her back for long!

Obviously, since Emily's 12, some of these rules will only be phased in over the next several years. And just so no grandma's are harmed during the reading of this post - this is all still very hypothetical. There's no point dating until you can get married and there's no possibility of that for at least another year and a half!

Compassionate Christmas Sharing?

When it comes to food, we have some pint-sized picky eaters in our house. They're often hearing from LuAnn or I that they need to be content that they have food every meal, even if it's not something they like. I remind them that while they complain about their potatoes, there are kids all over the world who are going to bed hungry... again. Today, we got confirmation that the message is getting through. Sort of.

Lizzie's preschool class has been gathering food for an elderly lady, so before we left this afternoon, she took a couple cans to donate from our pantry. Noticing what she was happily providing, I asked Lizzie if she thought the lady would like the green beans.

"Yeah, probably..." was her first reaction as she hurried to get the cans into her backpack. But as we left the room, she expounded upon her initial enthusiasm (to herself in a very matter of fact manner):

"She should just be happy that she has food."

As LuAnn and I overheard from the next room, we humorously wondered how we've warped our kids in so many ways... I'm afraid the compassion runs so deep in that one that is has yet to fully surface.

6 Adults Every Youth Ministry Needs

Youth ministry is not healthy when it's a one man show. Every youth ministry takes a team of people to function well and to build healthy disciples. Also, I need to think about something a little light-hearted today so I'm giving you 6 Adults Every Youth Ministry Needs:

1. The Mom - She's perturbed about the stain you just left on the church carpet, but you know she loves you anyway, and she'll probably start bringing treats again in a couple weeks. She can't help herself. It's amazing how aware she is when it seems like she's distracted with something else, and a split second of raised eyebrow eye contact from her will calm even the most savage of sophomores.

2. The Janitor - That stain on the carpet? Oh, he'll get it out alright, but you're now on his list. He will spend the next 17 months showing you every brand of blemish remover known to man, following you around with 4 different types of cleaning rags (all of which look suspiciously like cloth diapers from 1987), and explaining which combination is best for each and every surface in the church building. And before you even ask, "No, you can't just spray paint over that!"

3. The Magnet - This is the adult that walks into the room and immediately is swarmed with a hive of students, eager for a shred of attention. His ideas are always right in their eyes and his stamp of approval will immediately boost participation by 37%. If you can manage a couple of these, you're going to need a bigger youth room, but be careful, Magnets can do some really weird stuff to each other if they're not properly aligned.

4. The Juggler - She can tell you where your youth ministry schedule will put you at any given moment over the next four and a half months. Balancing student activities with carpool duties is more natural to her than stink to a muskrat (Ha! You thought I was going to say skunk, didn't you?) and she'll know every detail about every upcoming trip on the docket. The Juggler is often an indispensable ally and translator in contacts with the outside world (i.e. real people who don't speak youth ministry).

5. The Driver - The Driver knows how to get there from here. He knows where the potholes are and the best routes to avoid them and he'll tell you both enthusiastically. Also, he can tell you the location of every Chic-fil-A and Krispy Kreme on the continent! The Driver is the epitome of the no-nonsense kind of guy in every other situation, but he's willing to overlook the nonsense of youth ministry in order to get some kids where they need to go. Your students have no idea how awesome this guy really is until The Magnet draws him in to some crazy scheme where he becomes their hero.

6. The Cheerleader - Every student needs to hear that they've done well and the Cheerleader will deliver that message with fervor! She's constantly scouting facebook posts like an eagle soaring high above the prairie dog town - except instead of swooping down with crushing talons for a quick, furry snack, she's always the first to comment with an encouraging word and just the right emoticon!-) (Pathetic attempt, I know, but give me a break, I'm not the Cheerleader!) I guess that's not really like the eagle at all, but you get the point. If not, ask the Magnet - He's married to the Cheerleader & he'll convince you I know what I'm talking about.

So, there you have my authoritative, qualitative summary of necessary youth leaders. Which one are you? I'm sure you can think of other adults that youth ministries need. Share them in the comments section, because it really does take a village, not just the village idiot!

What Do You Do When Everything Sucks? Pt. 2

Just thought I'd follow up on a previous post sparked by the struggles of my favorite football team. What Do You Do When Everything Sucks? I offer a few suggestions:

1. Walk around with a tragic look, so people can tell that everything sucks. Black turtlenecks can help with this, but not those cool Steve Jobs kind - keep 'em sloppy and a size or two too big. Be sure not to offer any real clue when people ask what's wrong, though. They might just do something helpful and mess up the whole suffering vibe you've got going. Just embrace the suckiness and let life take shots at you like a fish flopping around the bottom of a dry barrel.

2. Frequently let out heavy, audible sighs. These are kind of wasted when you're alone, but try a few for practice anyway. See how long you can keep the exhale going and experiment with a little bit of vocals thrown in for good measure. If you work in a cubicle, you can learn to bounce these off the ceiling into some neighboring boxes, while not alerting some others to your plight. This way, you can ensure a little sympathy from that nice looking hamster in the next wheel over and avoid any awkwardness with that guinea pig, Stan, on the other side. Be really careful with the vocalizing though, too much and you're just going to start laughing at how ridiculous you sound and the levity of the moment may make you forget that everything sucks.

3. Lie around and don't really do anything productive. Being productive may actually change something about your circumstances, then what would you have to feel crappy about?

4. Turn off the lights and walk around in semi darkness - in your sloppy dark turtleneck, of course. When anyone asks why the lights are off, just shrug your drooping shoulders and tell them you didn't notice... must be because of all the darkness you feel surrounding your soul these days.

5.Write a blog post that will remind yourself what a moron you're being as you go around as if everything sucks, when in fact, ever thing does not suck. Actually, while it is true that some things do suck, there are many things not sucking in the least. Then turn the freakin' lights on, ditch the "sackcloth and ashes," grab hold of just how deeply you are loved by the one who made you, and get back to work living the life He dreams for you. (Also, throw that stupid turtleneck away and get some clothes that fit.)

Blogging Mojo Book Review

A while back, I came across this guy from Intercourse (PA) who posts pictures of Amish people, blogs a series of cartoon videos, drinks vinegar on camera, and mixes some of the most humorously random metaphors ever known to woodchucks. Bryan Allain is a funny guy with a funny blog. As I first read his blog, I shouted out, "Wow, this guy has some serious blogging mojo! I wish I could find my own blogging mojo like that." It was a big moment here in the office...

Ok, that last part is a total fabrication; I don't think I've ever actually said the word mojo because it confuses my mouth. Wait, was that a Spanish word, or are we just making stuff up now? Do you really think you're cool enough to pull off a word like that? Regardless, you should check out his blog. If you're a blogger, or if you just like funny stuff, you should also check out his new ebook - 31 Days to Finding Your Blogging Mojo. You can find it on the book's site as a pdf, or on Amazon in a Kindle edition.

Lost your mojo?

The books offers a 31 day walk-through before jumping into the big blogging game. Or maybe it's more of a quick series of timeouts in the middle of the game to remind you what the heck you started out to accomplish with this whole blogging thing. Either way, it's full of really good, practical blogging suggestions and ideas for making your blog better.

Allain begins by re-acquainting you with the core elements of your blog (the audience, the content, and... you'll have to get the book for the other one) - these are the foundation of what will make your blog something someone else will read and to which they'll actually return to read some more. He spends another 10 short chapters or so helping you tweak your content and focus in on what you really want to write, then fills the last third of the book with helpful tips on getting people to visit your blog and keep coming back for more.

Each chapter is only 2 pages and contains a short exercise that will help to put the idea of that chapter into practice on your blog. It's written to probably take about 10 minutes a day, plus another 10 to 20 on the exercises, but it's also pretty easy to read in longer chunks - you'll just have to be careful not to miss the benefits of the action points.

I've been thinking about shuttering this blog and restarting a more focused blog, so I was glad to sign up to receive a free review copy. I was really glad when I found out I was lucky enough to be getting one. Bryan Allain will be even more glad when lots of you spend a measly $4.99 for your own copy. That's like a couple boxes of really cheap cereal. Or one box of expensive cereal. The book's definitely worth it.

In fact, if it was cereal, the box would say: Great Stuff! Start your blog off right. Dig in and find your blogging mojo.*


*CAUTION: Contents will not stay crispy in milk.

How to Save Money Like An Idiot

For some reason, Sunday afternoon seemed like a good time to start a project that's been looming at our house since the city of Scottsbluff repaved our street several years ago. They'd contracted a landscaper to re-sod all the right of way areas when the job was complete. (You know that section between the sidewalk and the street that runs the full width of your house.) Since we've got no water to that area, we asked if they'd just put in some landscaping stone instead. They were glad to do so, but unfortunately spread the stone without putting any kind of weed barrier down.

So, for more hours than I care to admit on both Sunday and Monday, I got to partake in a level of work that is completely inappropriate for any holiday, regardless of its name. This weekend's project essentially was this: move rocks, put down rolls of weed block, replace rocks. We also threw in a handful of shrubs for good measure.

One shovel at a time...

It was not fun work. It was not easy work. But it needed to be done. And now, it has been done. It's nice to have a project started and completed. We seem to have a number of "less than finished" projects. Several times, LuAnn commented on how it would've probably been easier to just finish one of them (or two or three) instead of shoveling all those rocks only so I could shovel them again.

She's probably right. This project could have waited. Why did we do this now?

Because I found some shrubs for sale for less than 3 bucks... So, because I could save roughly $15, I bought the bushes and started digging...

What an idiot.
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Ever done anything dumb to save a few dollars? Share your story in the comments...

5 Ways to Keep Easter Visitors from Returning

I remember walking around at a football game once because I couldn't find a place to sit. You can't just shoehorn your butt between people you don't really know, so I scanned the stands for familiar faces. I thought I'd just walk across the front of the bleachers, sneaking surreptitious glances into the crowd, but it was no use. I couldn't find anyone except a kid in the band and there was no way I was sitting in the middle of the tuba section.

So I went to the snack stand, hoping to see someone on the way. No luck. So, popcorn and Mt. Dew in hand, I headed back and walked the gauntlet in the opposite direction. Still nothing. After a couple more trips, I was desperate: I offered a few M & M's to some kid if he'd pretend to know me and sit with me, but some lady came and pulled him away really quickly. I think he'd forgotten to do his homework before the game or something and was in really big trouble.

It's awkward to be part of a crowd and still feel out of place. Like a platypus in a gym full of penguins... what exactly am I supposed to do? How should I stand? What do I do with my hands? Wait, I'm a platypus, why do I have hands? Since Easter is here, attendance at weekend church services will swell across the country. "Regular seats" will be taken, parking lots will be full, and awkward moments will be plentiful. In order to isolate the uneasiness to just this 1 week (or maybe two if Christmas isn't on a Sunday), I offer these suggestions to ensure the guests who take our seats and park in our spaces won't be back next week:

1. Take the good seats. Regular attenders have a huge advantage here: You know exactly when the service starts. That means you can get there early and take the seats in the back. Church isn't like a football game or a play or something. You want the back rows - the outside chair in the back rows if you're really going for the ultimate in church chair positioning dominance. When they show up late and have to make the walk of Sunday tardiness shame to the front rows... it just sets the tone for a morning of stifling awkwardness that will make your church the last place they ever want to be again. What if some visitor actually shows up early enough to get a good seat? Just tell them that's your regular seat and stare at them blankly until they move. They won't be back anytime soon.
2. Holy Kiss.

5 Signs Your Creative Problem Solving Efforts Have Failed

Problems beg to be solved. Sometimes, the solution is obvious - other times... not so much. So we start thinking, imagining, tinkering. We get creative.

Unfortunately, there are days when creative solutions just flat out fail. Here's how to tell if your creative solution is probably going to fail (or already did).

1. The gathering crowd seems to sense impending doom as you implement your strategy.
2. The solution involves half a ton of dynamite and a consensus of city officials & the highway department.
3. Police are called in to cordon off a safe zone before you can act.
4. The problem is still there when you're done. Doh!
5. The problem is worse when you're done. Duh.

HT to Sheldon Shires for bringing this stunning bit of creative thinking to my attention.

Bonus Signs
If either of these phrases could possibly be uttered as a result of the implementation of your tactics:
     "Bits of whale rain across the beach."
     "Over a quarter mile away, a massive chunk of blubber has flattened the roof of a brand new Cadillac..."

3 Quick & Easy Strategies to Avoid What You Need To Be Doing

Image: Chris Orr via creationswap.com

I started this post yesterday while I should have been finishing off a paper that was due last night.
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I should be writing a paper right now. I planned to have it done two hours ago, but our staff meeting was canceled, so my afternoon just blew wide open. So, instead of sticking with that deadline, I've been organizing my inbox, reading some articles, returning messages and overdue library books, thinking about some Scripture passages... (I made the overdue library books part up, besides, if you wait until Wed. here you don't have to pay the late fee!) And now, I'm posting some thoughts about the avoidance strategies that I often employ to keep from doing the one thing I should be doing.

• Do something useful that's not really that useful. For example, it's always nice to have the children's books alphabetized and cordoned off into their appropriate sections. Who can stand it when the Golden Books get mixed in with the Kidz Lit Classics, right? So, instead of fixing that flat tire that has your wife stranded at home, you could tackle the munchkin section of your home library. At my house, that's a solid 4 hour project, minimum. And by the time it's done, it's too late to start something new...
• Distract the Tasker. Someone needs something from you. You know the request is coming. They're about to ask. So you speak up right before they say something and get them engaged in some other conversation with so many rabbit trails, they're hopelessly lost and forgot to ask before you send them on their way. Good work.
• Hide. Again, you know someone's coming. The boss finally remembered what he was going to ask you yesterday and you find out he's on his way. But what if you're not in when he gets there? What if... hang on, someone's coming...

Sometimes, when it really comes down to it, though... just do what needs done and get it over with.

8 Reasons My Car May Be Duct Taped

Have you ever been driving around, minding your own business, when you pull up behind a car that makes you want to apologize to the nearest tree? You feel like your carbon footprint went from that cute little baby birth certificate kind, to molds of Sasquatch proportions just because you got too close. Ok - I've never felt that way either... just checking.

I do own a couple vehicles, though that would cause at least a little embarrassment for the vehicularly squeamish. I qualify for the Elite Lemon Membership level in the Junky Car Club (Yes that is a real club, check the link). Over 330,000 miles between our two family vehicles (one of which is currently sitting in the driveway waiting for a new starter). Not so sadly, the time for upgrading is upon us. I'll miss the duct tape. Yes, I said duct tape. Here are some potential reasons I may have duct tape on my car:

• I'm going for that NASCAR look. By the way, anyone else impressed with Trevor Bayne? Wow!
• It keeps the tail lights in. They just don't make those plastic clips like they used to.
• Better aero. It keeps the front end down in the corners. Seriously, the Caravan's rear end is so loose 3 rounds of wedge aren't enough to tighten up that backside.
• I like to bump draft. Who doesn't?
• It's cheaper than a new paint job at Maaco. Plus I have the flexibility of rearranging my stripes every once in a while - new tally mark for each squirrel I hit dodge. Dodge, I said dodge!
• It keeps my "custom windows" from flapping in the wind. The sound of that plastic sheeting when it's too loose is just so annoying.
• Some of my students thought it would be funny to "saran-wrap" my car with duct tape. They're just jealous 'cuz I can drive.
• I like to spell out messages to other motorists. "Honk if you want to bump draft."

So, imagine you roll up on a car with duct tape... Why is it there?

Wear the Name... Reflect the Reality.

I found myself being fairly critical yesterday. The Big Ten came out with a new logo. I checked, and the design firm that made it is NOT run by 4th Graders, it is NOT the Graphic Design Team of the Blind, and it is NOT staffed by invertebrates or crustaceans. I suspected at first that the press release was a leak from the GAP in a desperate attempt to recover from their own logo mishap not too long ago, but it turns out, the Big Ten really did commission a logo that is that bad.

In defense of Pentagram (there's a clause I never imagined writing), the design team tasked with imaging the new identity of the Big Ten, they had a rough place from which to start. How are you supposed to create a logo for an organization whose very name has nothing to do with what it actually is or does? They've done other work that's great. So why this dud in Carolina blue? There's no Carolina even in the Big Ten, but that's beside the point.

I wonder if the Big Ten has lost its story in order to cling to its name. Why call a conference which has not been limited to 10 schools for 20 years the "Big Ten"? I know, I know, "tradition... oldest conference in the nation... heritage..." But it's not 10 schools anymore and hasn't been for quite some time. Don't get me wrong, the Big Ten is a great conference - it's just not 10.

I know it's always easier to criticize than to actually do something... so I humbly offer a few alternatives (in unskilled jest, of course). 

• The Big Ten played in the first Bowl game (in 1902) and this new conference will certainly see its fair share of bowl games far into the future. Maybe a name change to something reflecting the Midwest nature of the new set of 12 would be in order... 

• The TV deals and Big Ten Network are sure to keep these 12 great schools in front of a lot of eyeballs. Maybe they could just become the TV Conference... 

• The existing Big Twelve now only has 10 teams. Since these are heavily within the gravitational pull of Texas, maybe they'd trade names and pull in a negative space T for themselves just for fun.

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I'm wondering why I find myself writing about college athletics right now, and here's a thought that's haunting me. These conferences' names reflect absolutely nothing about their reality, and that bothers me. What bothers me more is that I've recognized the same problem in the Church. How many Christians wear that name only out of heritage & tradition? How many wear the label, yet live as if Jesus is long dead and gone? How many people throw a fit about cashiers who don't say 'Christmas' to them, even while they imbibe with drunken stupor on a consumptive holiday buying binge that would have sent their precious baby in a manger into a table throwing fury? Jesus wasn't meant for a manger, he was meant for a throne. We (myself included) could do a whole lot better, Church. 

Wear the name... reflect the reality.

60 Days of Nothing but Spuds

My mom tells me of a period of my childhood when the only thing I could eat was french fries and bananas. I don't know how long this time lasted, and I have no idea just what precipitated such a starch & K weighted diet. In fact, I really don't remember any of the details well at all (but I do remember the subsequent force feeding of fried liver quite vividly). This may have been a contributing factor to my entry into Kindergarten at the weight of a small 2 year old. When the teacher said to "Get in your desks" I could comply in a way that was much more literal than she'd hoped for (which is a pretty funny, but completely unrelated tale).

Last week, I came across a story out of Washington (the state) that reminded me of my pre-school starch experience. Chris Voigt is the Executive Director of the Washington State Potato Commission (I still suspect they were secretly behind the political disappearance of Dan Quayle a few years ago). In an attempt to prove the nutritional value of the spud, Voigt embarked a couple months ago on a 60 day journey of deprivation from all foods - except potatoes!

For 60 days, he ate about 20 potatoes a day. My spidey-math senses are telling me he ate about 1200 potatoes during October and November - and nothing else. No birthday cakes, no ice cream desserts, no Thanksgiving turkey... just fork after fork of potatoes. Mashed, baked, rebaked, broiled, sliced and put in the toaster (hope not)...

He lost 20 pounds and dropped his cholesterol levels significantly. I'm sure when word gets out, this will have people rushing out to the nearest corner store to stock up on bags of chips in hopes to shed a few holiday pounds. Bad news... your couch just called to say it's not going to work.

This all has me wondering?

What if I could only eat 1 thing for two months?

• 60 days of Nutella on hard rolls sounds kind of good, but I'm afraid of what that would do to my youthful complexion.

• I'd contemplate 2 months of smothered TDO's from Taco de Oro, but there's not enough Charmin in the Bluffs to counteract all that pork chili-taco salad goodness.

• I really like donuts. I think I could handle donuts for 60 days. Unfortunately, a new wardrobe of stretchy pants is not in the budget - besides which, I already have enough trouble with finding new pants!

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What would you eat exclusively for 60 days? What do you think would be the results?

Bad News About That Pardon

Some turkeys have all the luck. About 200 million turkeys will be eaten in the United States this year - a large percentage of which will be consumed tomorrow! But just a few days ago, two of them received the coveted Presidential pardon. One of those quirky little holiday traditions that don't quite make a lot of sense... two turkeys (the star and his alternate) are culled from the masses to be saved from your dinner plate.

Hooray for freedom... right?

But what happens then? We can safely assume that these birds aren't just turned loose to wander the West Wing, and you know what's going down if they start messing around in the garden. No, the pardoned turkeys over the past decade or so have gone on to live out the rest of their genetically altered lives in such amazing locales as Disney Land, Disney World, or the (hopefully) ironically named Frying Pan Park (I did not make that up, it's an actual place - here's a link).

How great must it be to be those pardoned turkeys? Maybe a gig at the head of Disney's parade... A nice jaunt in the woods when the mood strikes... No fat guy trying to squelch your gobble... Just kick back, watch the Lions get massacred, do a little shopping...

Actually it's not that great. Today's turkeys are bred to be eaten. Those tender cuts of white meat goodness may look great on the plate, but they don't do a turkey body any good. They actually lead to an early demise for poor Tom. Despite their pardon, the turkeys usually die within the year, anyway.

Oh, well.

Let's eat!

Check Your Pockets

I noticed this weekend that my favorite jeans (meaning, one of my two pair of decent ones) were worn thin in a fairly 'critical' area. I was not anticipating great things from the Bronco game yesterday, so I was thinking about going and getting some new jeans instead of watching. I know, I know - like you really want to read about me buying pants. I was really tired after a long weekend that came after a long couple weeks, so I decided to sit down and watch a little of the game, see how it started out, gather my mental resolve to keep plodding, then go buy some pants.

This may all sound a little odd, but the truth is I hate buying pants. I can never find pants that fit right... All the relaxed fit, boot cut, loose fit, I-can't-believe-you're-actually-trying-to-squeeze-into-this, straight legged nonsense is irritating. If I can find them short enough, they're about 8 inches too wide in the waist. When I find a pair that fits right in the middle, they either squeeze the crap out of my legs or would require me to wear stilts. It's like jean makers decided anyone with a 31" waist is either a flag pole, a weeble wobble, or an emo kid with a white leather belt. I actually even found some pants yesterday in the kids' section that are TOO BIG.

So I always have to settle. Something between 30"x32" or 32"x30" or some such combination that's not quite right, but close enough. By this time in my life, I'm tired of settling, so the whole thing gets me a little cranky. I briefly considered going on a donuts and McDonald's diet to try to gain about 6 inches in the waist, but decided against it because it would just cause too many residual sock issues. I can't handle any more sock issues.

So anyway... As soon as I sat down to watch a little football, I realized how tired I was and decided to put the whole pants buying thing on hold. I just didn't have the energy for all that mess. Then, something amazing happened. Denver scored a touchdown in the first quarter, stopped the Chiefs, then scored another touchdown. I was so excited I put on my shoes, picked up the keys, and took LuAnn to go buy me some new pants!

The problem is the emotional spike didn't change the underlying fact that I've been running on fumes and was still way too tired. So after hitting my limit for pants hunting, we headed home. Walked into the living room... reclaimed the tv and sat down to discover the Broncos were still throttling the Chiefs... then realized, something wasn't right. Something just felt off in my left thigh, so I put my hand in my pocket and felt a little loose change and nothing else. This probably wouldn't be an issue for most people, but when I was in high school I developed a paranoia in Berlin about getting pick pocketed (or is it picked pocket???) so I started putting my wallet in my front pocket. The habit has never died.

I hate trying to dig it out of a pocket that is too small, so when I try on pants, I always put the wallet in the pocket to see how the pants do. Kind of a real world test right there in the dressing room! Normally, I find wisdom in the practice and it has saved me from many aggravating pocket fights with otherwise innocuous pants, but yesterday... I was way too tired and left my wallet in the pants that I did not buy when I hung them back out on the clearance rack at Herbergers. Oops. Thankfully, no one else showed a whole lot of interest in those particular pants (maybe I have bad taste, too) so when we got back to the store, the wallet was right there where I stupidly left it. Bonehead.

After all of that, I still didn't buy any pants. Just couldn't settle. I remember once, a nice lady in the church named Mary Jane who gave me a pair of UnionBay pants that were a little miscut. She'd bought them for her son at the outlet store, but he was too normal shaped. Those pants were perfect. I miss them. I'd give my left cheek for another pair like those... but then I guess they wouldn't fit right anymore.

I don't think there's a moral to this story...
except that maybe you should always check your pockets.
Or that maybe if you're prone to being picky about pants, you should never go to Berlin.
Or maybe you should never forget to thank God for people like Mary Jane.
Or maybe that you should always shake hands after the game, even when you get your butt kicked.

Can you think of any other lessons I should be learning here?

An Unwanted Visitor

I'm sitting in my office today, feeling a bit paranoid. I can't quit checking the floors, looking to see if anything's creeping around in the corners or behind the shelves... because, when I went out into the common area of our offices today, I found a little strand of slither laying beneath a chair - Pituophis catenifer sayi. If that's too cryptic, I'll translate: I found a freaking bullsnake in the office!

iPromise

So... for a long time, I've resisted. I've brushed aside what so many have hailed: ignored the call of the Cupertino sirens... and stuck with what I knew. I've remained faithful to the familiar. But today is Day 1 in what some would say is the next stage of my computing evolution and others would liken to partaking in forbidden computer fruit. I have, for the first time, plugged in and started up my iMac - which is technically WestWay's iMac procured at my request and curated on my desk. I use the word curate, because taking the computer out of it's slim little box and placing it upon my otherwise cluttered desk felt like installing a piece of art with it's hidden power lights and shiny little keyboard and 1 button mouse that functions like 2 buttons and a scroll wheel and a track pad all in one - the simplicity of the mac design.

But fear not, my ever faithful PC friends. I am maintaining dual citizenship for now. The rest of the office functions in a Windows world, so I will not be closing those portholes or portals any time soon. I promise I won't look down on your hard drive seizing, frozen drive crashing habits. I promise not to laugh at your keyboard crushing frustrations (at least not any more than usual). I promise to still help you when you can't remember how to cut-copy-and-paste your way to completion of tasks and even to assist in the recovery of those all important pictures lost in the latest round of today's trojan wars.

I promise to refrain from dropping ubiquitous i's in front of words that don't need them for any reason whatsoever and to be diligent to keep myself free from the stain of the apple arrogance. I promise to avoid assailing your ears with a constant stream of the kindergarten-esque "music" projects I concoct in the lab of my GarageBand just because it's there.

Day 1 has begun. I've set up e-mail, found the network printer, adjusted the sound (which is really good and probably annoying my oldies-loving neighbor), done a little browsing and now, posted this iblog! I look forward to learning the new language of applework, installing a bit of software, and making full use of the creatively productive pieces of this machine that are at the core of why I made the switch.

Get it? Core - - apple. Ha ha???

Sorry... I promise to still apologize for bad jokes too.

Lovin' the Consistency

I hope this isn't hitting the peak too early, but my adrenaline is going crazy today. Several last minute things to do before leaving with an awesome group to go to Catalyst has me running around a little bit! I'm feeling like I'm just about to step onto the pitch for a big game or something... One of the things to do (that I really didn't need to do yet) was to go pick up new registration tags for my 4runner.

So I drove ALL the way across the river to Gering - which as anyone local knows is an arduous task in itself. (Seriously, it took almost 10 minutes to drive all the way over there.) I got to the line at the DMV/county clerk to find big, bold announcements that they no longer have insurance information on file, so I would need the insurance card for the truck. I'd driven the van (meaning I didn't have the 4runner card with me, I had the caravan card).

Before she even asked, I explained to the nice lady behind the desk that the information is the same (same policy, same coverage, etc.) but she apologetically informed me that I needed the one for the vehicle that was being renewed. (I think she even teared up a little.) Not a big deal, I'm just killing time until leaving tonight for L.A. so I drove WAY back over to Scottsbluff to pick up the truck's insurance card, then turned around and drove ALL the way back across the river and railroad tracks.

I waited in line with the proper piece of paper proudly clutched in my right hand (even checked to make sure I didn't grab the outdated one that I should have thrown away 6 months ago!). I made it up to the desk where another very nice lady offered to assist me - I dutifully showed her the registration renewal card, handed her the check, she gave me the new registration and stickers... never even mentioned the insurance!


Gotta love consistency!

I wonder... what if I'd kept my mouth shut the first time!?

To Change...

I'm the kind of guy who likes to change things up a little bit once in a while. Just got my hair cut drastically shorter for the simple reason that I felt like it. One of the recurring witticisms of my childhood was "You should always try new things." So here, I offer to you, several reasons you should embrace change.

5 Reasons to Embrace Change

1. It's working great in the church down the street. Hey, if it's good for the Baptists, it's got to work here, too! Right?

2. It's working in the mega-churches. They're big and successful because they changed, so it follows that if we make the same changes, we'll be big and successful too.

3. It will make us more relevant to the culture. The world is changing, so we have to change, too.

4. Any change is a good change. The Bible says to "sing a new song". What that means is that anything new is automatically better than anything old. Shiny new stuff replaces old worn out stuff. It's the natural order God intended.

5. We don't want people to get bored. We need to randomly alter important things every once in a while, just to keep things interesting.

6. It will get rid of the dead weight. If we change the right things often enough, it will tick off the people who aren't really committed to Jesus. They'll take their hymnals and go play somewhere else, then we can really get things going here.

7. God is the ultimate transformer. He's "making all things new," so we should be changing everything too, you know... to help God out.

Here's to shaking things up a bit...

Or not to Change...

I've noticed lately that we humans can be very resistant to any kind of change. Recent changes to facebook have definitely brought out the best in us! Altering the tempo of a favorite song has been known to induce spasmodic hiccups. A little tweaking of vocabulary is enough to cause great consternation. So I thought I'd offer a bit of a defense for those of us who like to see things stay the same. Coming soon to an anti-change bumper sticker near you:

7 Reasons to Resist Change

1. It hurts - and everyone knows, God's highest value is your personal comfort. If it's difficult, it must not be what God wants.

2. Someone might be offended. Even if it seems like a good idea, change is sure to ruffle somebody's feathers. It's just not worth ticking people off.

3. Jesus already has the attention of everyone in your area that He wants. Those thousands of people in your community who drift through every day without knowing WHY... they need to learn to adapt and do things our way.

4. Young people don't really matter in the Kingdom. Our generation is the one doing all the work and paying the church bills anyway. They'll come around when they grow up.

5. All that new-fangled technology just gets in the way of the pure message of God, which he hand delivered to us with ink and leather-bound paper, not pixels and screens.

6. Everyone looks so favorably on you already. If you changed anything now, they might think you had some flaws or something. And if you have any chinks in that shiny armor, who will they look up to to lead them in the next round of "Just As I Am"?

7. It won't work here anyway. Things like that may fly in California, but around here people just aren't like that. Why go through the hassle of trying when we already know it won't work out?

Here's to keeping things the same...

Evidence that God has a sense of humor...

After posting yesterday about the ineffictiveness of cold-call evangelism - this morning at a garage sale I was given a tract by a nice elderly gentleman asking "where will you go if you die tonight" and quoting Joseph Stalin to tell me why I should honor my country. (Though I suspect something's been lost in translation because some of the language was very un-Stalin-esque.)

Later this morning, some a kind group of ladies from the Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door and gave me a sheet of paper telling me how I can be ready for the end of the world - and to invite me to a JW conference in Loveland. It's held at the Budweiser Arena... umm... yeah.

Heading out now for the Gering Arts Festival. Lots of crowds, so I'm hoping for the stranger danger trifecta!.